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Post by Kenneth Walker on Jun 26, 2010 9:32:45 GMT -8
Life Is Precious *Living things have a kind of glow around them...They’re surrounded in a halo of colors. I’d invent names for them if I weren’t the only one who could make them out. I’m not sure if that halo is a soul or an aura or what. I do know that at the end of life cycle, it fades pretty quickly, and what’s left behind is…hard to look at. Empty in a way that leaves me empty too. But when it’s there my god, how it shines. Travel around a bit, travel from place to place, travel in my city and you’ll see that there is life all around us, and life is beautiful, this city is beautiful, me and this city we have been through a lot, we have grown old together. Been through and through, and it now brings me to my own thoughts, it brings me to this room, to watching this home theater system, to sitting in this chair, watching scenes of the past* I sit back in my chair and watch old films that come to life on the big screen. In this scene that I’ am watching it has an old man and a boy named Michael who is only about a year old, at most, the beginning of his new life, looking at him a beautiful creation to marvel at, and as I watch myself on the big screen, watching my younger self start to speak to the baby. “Scared does not begin to describe how I feel inside. I can just barely begin to take care of myself, how can I learn to take care of you too? I have no one to stand beside me, to lessen the pressure of raising you right. Scared I will make a mistake, scared I will not be able to raise you properly, but scared is not the only way I feel”. Kenneth Walker rocks the rocking chair he is sitting in back and forth as he looks at his little baby Michael and speaks some more words to young Michael. “Happiness does not begin to describe my joy. I am happy because you are all I have ever wanted, I have waited my whole life for you, my life finally seems worthwhile, happiness at the thought of loving you for a lifetime”. Those words project of the big screen I can feel myself start to wheel up with emotion, and my eyes starting to become wet with joy, and I continue to watch the next scenes unfold listening to my younger self continue to speak to the baby on the big screen. “Love does not come close to how I feel for you. I will never leave your side; I will always stand up for you. All that you want or ever desire, I will do my best to get for you. No one will ever take your place in my life, no one could ever be more important than you. My darling, my child, I love you.” Then the scene ends and Kenneth Walker is left with a blank screen on the projector and he taking a closer look at him you can see some tears running down his face. Suddenly I began to let my thoughts overwhelm me as I sat there in starring at the blank screen it was replaced by my own imagination came to my house with a lady that wanted to thank me personally, I could remember the story she told Lilly her sister that clearly on how if it wasn’t for me that the she might not be here at this very moment on this very day. As the memories continued to flood in I could her speech telling me “My husband passed on, some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart as I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. Standing on that chair, so lonely and broken hearted, I was about to leap off when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought 'I’ll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.’ I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again ‘who on earth could this be? Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me.” I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes for there on my front porch was the most radiant person I had ever seen in my life. His smile, Oh, I could never describe it to you Lilly And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, that had long been dead, to leap to life as he exclaimed with cherub like voice how and that glowing smile of an you’re dear precious Ken spoke to me, no one ever spoke to me beside my ex husband, I thought that it would just be better to end my life, but when the he told me he had a friend named Austin that he wanted me to meet it got my curiosity and maybe it was worth trying one last time, one last effort to see if I could find a decent guy again. To have that same love I once had again, to become complete”… The memories ended but I could still remember who that girl was, the same girl that I introduced to Austin, the same girl that seemed that couldn’t escape fate for the day that Austin turned cold, is when her life turned cold, but not before bearing a daughter that he was still yet to make claim to. It still wasn’t too late for him. He still has a chance to make things right. I went looking through my box collection looking for another film to put on and I seen another one that caught my eye and I decided to pick it up but as I opened it to my surprise a letter fell out of it. The letter said Daddy. Right away I knew it was from my son, did he do this as a surprise for me. Normally I’m the one who will be the one who surprises his son, but to my shock I’m the one this time who is taking by joy and surprise. I slowly open the letter which says on the top Dear Daddy. Immediately I could feel my heart sink, and my lungs start to give in as I read those words of the piece of paper. I am writing this letter to a great man, leading daddy and also a great daddy. Now, all I can say as I write this, with tears in my eyes, is that I hope that I can be just a small portion of the man of my father that you are daddy. As I read those words from a son who saw his father as a man of little fault and much tolerance. More than many I knew probably. That thought if he could come anywhere close to the image that he upholds of me, his daddy, would have a greatly instilled meaning in the evident characteristics that I have already instilled in him, that I would indeed make him feel that I had made him accomplish the greatest task of human life, that of becoming a real man. It all started with you daddy. You’re my inspiration; you’re what I want to be when I grow up. As I read the letter some more I thought “Was it true that my son’s good traits that he does tribute to the strong subliminal influences, not dictatorial, of his own daddy, of me I thought to myself. I continued to read the letter. Few people dad, I believe, can state and truly mean, that their dad had left such an showed as much love as you have shown me, as much kindness as you have shown me, I love you so much daddy. I thought to myself that I loved him to from the deepest part of our souls we we’re bounded. I was proud of my son, proud that I was able to have instilled great thing in my son’s mind and thoughts and I was happily on who could say that without the slightest dought I continued reading the letter that said, I love you daddy. I love you dad. Michael. I put the letter back into the envelope and dried my tears. I knew what the clip on it was about, it was about the time that I was teaching my son to play baseball, instead of playing the clip he puts it down and decides to reminisce the experience in his own mind instead. My experience teaching my six-year-old son to play baseball taught me as many or more lessons about how to play the game than I can remember when I played at his age. It is, perhaps, enough when you are learning to play the game that the ball travels where you want it to go or that the bat makes contact with the ball. It is quite another experience to teach a child to do those things properly. With respect to throwing the ball, younger children do not naturally move their arms, shoulders, and torso in the proper manner. My son could not grasp the need to begin the throwing process by extending his left foot, to turn his body properly, and to let the momentum of his body's movement control the delivery of the ball. Try explaining that to a six-year-old. What worked better was to explain to him that he needed to turn his hips when he threw. He, of course, reverted on occasion to stepping with his right foot and throwing with his right hand, but when he thought to turn his hips as he threw the ball, he more naturally stepped with his left foot. What I found myself doing as I taught him was to pay attention to my body movement as I threw the ball, and I noticed that I often stopped turning my shoulders before I let go of the ball. I have probably done this for years and did not realize it until I tried to teach it. Teaching my son to hit the ball was a slightly different experience. When my child throws the ball properly, the ball will usually travel where he wants it to travel. Much like throwing the ball, the key to successful hitting is the rotation of the body. The batter's hips must rotate as he swings the bat in order to generate any power. My son initially wanted to throw the bat over the plate, using mostly his wrists, in order to hit the ball. In some cases, he was lucky and made contact with the ball. In most cases, however, he did not come close. We spent weeks thereafter focusing on his form, working to level his swing and to move his hips and torso correctly as he swung the bat. We also worked heavily on watching the ball. I remember the visions clearly my words that I spoke to him that went from “Keep your eye on the ball, to watch the ball hit the bat, and as he swung bat he would improve. I could remember as I thought my boy how to play baseball that he would improve in form. I’d toss ball and he’d hit the ball, I’d toss it again and he’d hit it again. Smiling back at me showing me that he was starting to understand the concept that I was teaching him, that I was instilling into his young and eagerly learning mind. Teaching my son how to play baseball was one of my fond memories of him. I shake myself of my visions of past memories and come back to my reality, and pack all the stuff and put it away. I glanced over and looked at the doctors note that said I wasn't supposed to wrestle anymore that it was too dangerous, at least that is what he said when he was in one of the back office's with the doctor and Lilly with his constant nagging about on how he was supposed to stop the one thing he loved to do so much, the one thing that he grew up on with a child with his dad. The only piece of his dad that he had left and the reason why he still wrestled today. The same reason why Austin came in to wrestling with Kenneth Walker cuz where ever Ken went Austin would be right there next to him. Boys for life is what they would call themselves. Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed they lend an ear; they share a word of praise. Austin Star was one of those people for me one of those kinds of friends that you willing to open up your heart and not be afraid to trust them. I remember the first days thought that the resentment towards me started to fill his heart though, and slowly but surely he started to become a completely different man. One of the memories that come to mind. At all accord shortly some time after graduation day it was me, Austin and Lilly we were all going out for a steaming hot cup of fresh grounded coffee at a local Starbucks coffee shop. Me and Austin where getting ready and quickly got finished getting dressed, Lilly was also upstairs getting ready putting on her makeup and accessories, Me and Austin had already finished, and Austin decided to go ahead and go outside to warm up the car that was outside, he went for the door and unlocked it and turned the handle opening the door and exiting to go outside, Meanwhile I waited for Lilly to finish up and after I asked her if she was finished is when she decided to finally come down the stairs and the two of us walked towards the door and I opened it and let her go out first towards Austin’s car, and then I closed the door and locked it with my keys and went towards his car also and got in the back seat while I let Lilly get in the front seat. We took of driving down the road in our quest to find a Starbucks, stopping at the appropriate lights and signs as we made our way, every once in a while I could catch out of the corner of my eye what I thought was Austin glancing at Lilly every now and then but that could have been my mind playing tricks on me for all that I knew. I just shrugged it off as a Starbucks started to come into view and Austin drove up and pulled inside the parking lot and we unbuckled our seat belts and opened our doors and got out the door. Still my mind continue to play tricks on me and I still saw Austin continuing to look over at Lilly, was there something on Austin’s mind that he wasn’t telling me, was there something that was bugging him that he didn’t want to confront me with and talk it over with me. Get a grip Ken, was that thought process that my mind would conclude at that current time and event. The three of us continued our way to Starbucks and entered the coffee shop, each of us ordering our own perspective drinks. The three of us looked around to find a decent seat to sit at, and to our eyes we all looked at the same table and made our ways over to it. The three of us would strike out conversations about old past life, about how the three of us were best of friends and that nothing would ever come in between the three of us. But when I heard Austin say it, it seemed that when he did say it, he said it with a kind of uncertain attitude and a look on his face I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. It was after the fact that I drank my coffee that the urge to use the rest room arose and that I need to make my business official, but what I never did find out until later in my life when Lilly finally confronted me about what Austin had done while I was away took me about surprise. When Lilly wasn’t looking at him and was preoccupied by the traffic going outside and the clouds starting to build up like it might begin to start raining, is when Austin wrote something on a piece of napkin and when she turned around to pick up and sip on her coffee. She looked down and looked at the paper napkin that and seen that it had Austin’s hand writing on it and on the napkin it said. It should have been me that asked you out, and not Ken, he doesn’t deserve somebody like you Austin slowly looks over at Lilly. He can’t quite read her expression. She’s angry. But there’s a part of her that looks hurt. And another part still looks severely disappointed. Regardless, there is nothing on her face to show that she’s okay with this news in any way. She stares at Austin. Lilly Walker: “Is this true?” Austin takes a deep breath, but doesn’t answer. Austin Starr: “Yeah…” As soon as the word leaves his lips, he feels the fierce sting of Lilly’s hand slapping him across the face. He looks at her. As soon as their eyes meet, he feels her hand across his face again. She raises her hand to slap him a third time. Austin does nothing to prevent it. She makes a motion to hit him, her hand twitching, eager to find its mark again. The shot never comes. Instead, she looks away from Austin, out the window. Austin sees tears welling in her eyes. For a moment, just seeing the tears hurts more than any slap to the face. Austin turns his attention to from her keeping his eyes out the window. It was then that he saw me, that he saw his friend that he must have felt that betrayed him had come out and I found that when I looked at Austin out of confusion I could see the red fire of hate flaring up in his eyes, I could have sworn just for a second in that brief moment of time that his eyes actually turned a blood shot red, the kind of red that shows that came from a bleeding heart that was in pain and suffering. As I diverted my attentions over to Lilly I had seen that she was kind of staring away from Austin Starr and just looking off into space in what appeared to might have been an upset mood. I came closer to the table and sat down and went to strike a conversation to Austin, when he looked back at me the red eyes were replaced by the brown one’s that had dried up tears in them. I tried to ask him what was the problem, I tried to extend my hand out for comfort, but he turned it away from him, and instead of replying back to me he turned to Lilly and said “I think it’s time that we should go, our business is done” I could remember hearing that pain in his voice as he spoke to Lilly and the three of us got up from our seats and made our way to the exit throwing our trash away as we exited the building. Ever since that night the man that Austin Starr had became today was all because that it all came from that one moment in time, from the one creation of history that the three of us made the one fatefully night at Prom. Feeling that Austin had long Bottled up and finally went and told Lilly about it, and when he got the reaction that he did got, It turned a man that was already on the path of everlasting bitterness and turned him into something completely different. Austin would come to start pushing everyone away. For right reason and for the wrong reasons. Austin never forced himself into isolation. He simply ran a filter through all his associates. Pick out the weak, and keep only the strong by his side. From me back from the old fed we became partners with all the way to Paris Hilton in the SCW when he first started out here and she had lost her use, now she’s gone. Austin. He fought for himself. And in doing so, his success and failure was his own. Nobody else’s. If I could Write the Pain from my Heart Would You Understand Brothers share a special bond, like blood, brotherhood, it’s thicker than water, Friends may come and go, and relationships may drift apart, but brothers they say that they are forever. Though the sun may rise in the east, and set in the west, we will still be brothers. Though the seasons may change, spring, summer, fall and winter; we will still be brothers. What God has ordained, No man can change, cuz in my eyes we are still brothers and brothers they are forever. I pondered to myself did I tell Austin Starr about my experience I had with my mother. I can remember it clearly dear old friend, that one faithful night that on the circumstances that had happened. Me, my mother and my father we were all expecting to have another son, another baby boy that would have been my brother. I remember my mother telling me Ken, my sweet Kenneth I bet he will have those very same brown eyes that you have, I bet you well be just like you nice and sweet. I bet that he will just be as strikingly handsome as you my dear Kenneth. Days would pass, and nights would pass of all our conversations of what would come to be, on that me and him would become very successful together, maybe we could be major star football players at a college, or maybe even something else. I remember that one night thought that my mother had came home from work after her night shift of work and trying to earn a paycheck, it was on Christmas morning, a Friday morning that my mother would later tell me that this story, her version of the story on what had happen, which I could have imagined it was as hard for her to tell me as it was as hard for me to take in. The story that she had told me was that she came home that on that Christmas morning she was feeling very, very happy. We were going to tell both our families, both me and your dad’s side of the families that is about your baby brother that day as I was 12 weeks. My sweet Ken it was…Minutes after getting in from work I noticed I was bleeding and I just knew that we were not going to end up holding our baby in 6 months. I started crying hysterically right there in the bathroom. With my legs shaking I went to the living room and quietly rang the doctor on call that day who told me I was more than likely losing your baby brother. The doctor told me….she told me to go straight to the emergency room at the hospital. Your father woke up while I was sitting on our bed still crying hysterically, trying to tell him what was happening. Me and your father quickly and quietly got dressed while you were sleeping my son, we hurried down the stair case and with our best efforts without making too much sound as to not alarm you Ken, we quietly unlocked the door and opened it and closed it behind us like we were some thieves in the night trying to get away from a robbery, we got in the car and started the car without turning on the headlights and thankfully it wasn’t a loud car and it didn’t take long to get the car started, and we took down the road in the dark, thinking to each other if we could make it, if you brother could make it.When I got to the hospital emergency room I was seen quickly in the hospital and given both a regular and internal ultrasound. The doctor couldn't be sure whether I was losing the baby or not and told me to come back if the bleeding got worse or I had any cramping or pain. I spent Christmas day in tears. My heart felt like it was physically breaking. Christmas Day when I awake it was within an hour of waking up I was in agony and the bleeding was much worse. It took your father hours to convince me to go back to the hospital. I just didn’t see the point they couldn't save my baby any more than I could. I went back in, eventually had another internal scan and the doctor could tell me this time that that it was too late that the baby was gone and that he wasn’t going to make it. I wanted to scream at him that it was my baby will make it and that he couldn't judge on how lives and who dies. For a few days afterwards I would break down and cry without warning. I probably will always break down and cry now, for as long as I live my sweet ken. Those words she spoke to me with tears in her eyes. I know I should have told you sooner my son, but this has been something so hard to tell you, something so hard to tell her son that he wouldn’t be getting his brother, that he wouldn’t be getting that one Christmas gift that he had wanted, the only one that he wanted. Your father has been a rock for me but he finds it hard to speak about it. The hardest thing for me is that most of my family doesn’t know about this yet Ken and we still have to tell them the hard news, All I can think about is the baby we will never have and getting pregnant again, how long it will take to conceive again or if I ever will. When will it you get the chance to have a brother. It sounds selfish but I just can't see the fairness in it. I remember dear old friend, I remember seeing her eyes well up with water, and I can remember her telling me that dreadful news weeks later after I’ve been asking her days and days after Christmas had already had passed, I kept asking her when I might get my new brother, when was Santa going to bring him to me, bring him to us, bring him to our family. I thought from then on out that I would never get a brother, that my wish would never come true. It wasn’t until many years later, until fate had decided to give me yet another chance again, like it has some many times throughout my life, cuz it was in college that I met you Austin Starr… it was then and there when I first saw you, I could clearly remember seeing those brown eyes. Those very same brown eyes that would have belonged to my unborn brother, it was then that I knew that the great heavens above had finally sent me my brother, that even though it wasn’t through my own mother that perhaps it was through another’s mother…through another family that my brother would be born into this world. I could actually remember that first time that I did see those brown eyes thought old friend, do you, can you perhaps remember that time as well Austin…Remember back in college, maybe you don’t recall, maybe the escapes that old memory that you might have. But let me however refresh that memory again Austin. There was a time when you didn’t have a lot of friends. You were a bit shy and reserved. You never really wanted to be popular, but you did want to have someone to share secrets and laughs with. All through high school, though, you just slipped in and out of light friendships where you didn’t find a lot of comfort or companionship. When it came time to go to college, I can remember that you were quite nervous. Austin I can remember that you were going to be rooming with someone you didn’t know and living in a town miles away from home. There wouldn’t be a single person you knew in town. You had no idea how you were going to make friends in this new environment. It was during your first week of classes wasn’t old friend, it was then that something happened that changed your life forever. In was an English class, and I remember that the teacher had asked you a simple question, just one basic question in front of the rest of the class room, and the questioned that was asked to the rest of the students in attendance before you was asked the same question and that question was “Can you share a little about yourself”. I remember you telling everyone where you called home which happened to be the same place I was from Tacoma… But at the time the college we were going to wasn’t in Tacoma it was in Seattle maybe not quite a lot of miles away, actually more like a 3 mile drive, but still the feeling of being in a different city most have been over whelming, as it was for me too. I remember that you told us all you other ordinary details that the rest of the students share in such situations. But more importantly what I remember what that one finally question that for each student was always the same “What is your goal for this class?” Now, most of the students said it was to get a good grade, pass the class or something similar, but for some reason, you were different Austin you said something else you said something entirely different. You said that your goal was to make just one good friend. I remember sitting in the classroom when I hear that question echo throughout the environment, I remember it breaking my concentration when I wasn’t paying much attention at all with the acceptation to doodling on some piece of whit paper, and it was after that I heard that question that while most of the students sat in silence, I was the one student came to you Austin and held out my hand and introduced myself. I remembered asking if you needed a friend, that perhaps I would be that one. I can remember clearly that the whole room was silent seeing me go up there in front of the classroom all eyes focused on the you and my extended hand extended just in front of you. I can remember that Smile, an action that you’ve long forgotten how to do old friend, and when you stretched your hand out to take the offered friendship was formed. It was a friendship that lasted all through college. It was a friendship that turned into brother hood. It was a friendship that I thought would last forever. Or what about that first football game Austin do you remember our first football game. It was one of my last found memories and perhaps the last thing I will share with you Austin… I remember that night sleeping thinking about the big game that was going to come up, I remember convincing you for the first time for signing up for football with me, but the football game that I remember wasn’t our first one however… the image comes clearly I can still hear that alarm clock going off…. *The alarm clock sounded at seven am, and I reached out with my left hand to hit the snooze button, and I remember the thoughts that enters my mind, it is game day. Today is the day of my senior homecoming football game. I rise out of bed and go to the window. I pull the cord on the blinds and look outside. The frost has just glazed the bottom panes of the glass. I look and see the perfect day for a football game, overcast, gloomy, and gray. I trudge my way to the shower and turn the knob. The hot water cascades over me; the excitement of the upcoming day rushes through me like a bolt of lightning. I finish showering and go back into my room to get dressed. I slide my jersey from its hanger, good old number Twenty and take it up to my nose. I smell the past games, triumphs and defeats. I put the jersey on go to my car. I am too nervous to stop and eat breakfast, but grab a banana anyway. The drive to the school seems to take an eternity. I have a million thoughts running through my head. At last, I arrive at the school. The cars all around me are painted to show school spirit. In the parking lot I see my friends pull up and a go over to greet them. Our conversation is centered on the football game. I was still waiting for my good old up and coming friend Austin Starr to arrive, and a Starr he was. Him and me were both the running quarterbacks for the team that we were playing for, and we needed to get ready for the next big game, cuz if we didn’t win the next game we would never cease to hear the end from our rival school. Our team mates were counting on us. They were counting on me and Austin to do our touchdown. Finally after what seemed to be what I considered to be a while I seen Austin Starr come up in his car and drive into the parking lot that we were all in finding the perfect parking spot and stopping his car shutting it off and turning the music off as well, he was already geared up and he got out of the car and closed it behind him. He got out of the car and came to us, my eyes lighting up for the sheer excitement that this game was about to begin. Once he got over to where we were standing we began to go over the various game plays decided what was good and what was not good. When we finally decided on what we wanted out game plan to be we all got in our perspective cars, me I decided to get in the same car as Austin, so I went around to the passenger side of the car while he got in the driver’s side. The two of us drove out of the parking lot and towards our college school. When we got there it was time for us to get ready and to get out to the field. The rest of the team that was not yet ready had went to the back locker room to get changed and as did I. I came out with our team with the already waiting Austin Starr on the field, I could see him still waiting for us on the field and I also seen our rival team that had been our rivals for years in the making. The game had started and already we were getting off with a bad start we were down by seven, then we were down by fourteen, then we were down by twenty one. We had to get our act together quick, we huddled up and came up with a new game plan and it started to work and by the half time started we were only down by seven…it was after halftime ended and we all took our perspective breaks that we had tied our rival team, the rest of our team mates have been counting on me and Austin and our final play to get the final score…. The final touchdown… It was shortly after I did my play that the team was counting on me that it was down for Austin to tackle this one guy and if he was successful then we would be able to get past their defense and score a touchdown, I remember seeing him run down the field at full speed going after the guy that he was meant to go after, running after him and seeing him clash with his opponent with full force and forcing him down to the green landscape that was below him. Shortly after that I seen our other team mates running past breaking the defense and scoring the touchdown all coming over to Austin Starr and raising him up along with also the person that scored the touchdown up in the air and cheering and chanting there name along with the crowd. Hearing the crowd chant his name was something that won us over one of the many reasons why I also fell in love with wrestling and the two of us went and swayed away from college football and got into professional wrestling. Seeing what had developed in front of me with my own eyes was pretty historical and perhaps one of my most moments of Austin Starr and perhaps my last I’d ever see again. Final Words *The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express. It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning, nor does it come through the Window. And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never find lasting joy. I do whatever it takes, whenever I think of the old times my body shakes, I wasn’t looking when I stumbled on you it must have been fate. I wanted this so bad that it hurts, after many years I want a friendship to come back but you won’t let it. I’d do anything for you but it’s seems that it’s over now and if you choose to never rekindle the past just look up at the sky and you’ll see my face shine down upon you.* I wonder what I would do if this was to be one of those battle's that if I lost, that it still wouldn't be resolved, that it still wouldn’t' clicked, I could hear the words already forming in my mind, I can hear them forming the day after our grand finally, I want you to remember Ken, the words from Austin's mouth formed in my head. In all the years to come in you most private moments I want you to remember my hand at your throat, I want you to remember the one man who beat you, I want you to remember that it was me who won in the end and not you old friend. Not you, and now it's over get out of my life. Those words would torture me for the rest of my life if I failed my mission….If I fail. I will do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen, I will do anything to prevail and to do what has to be done. If Austin Starr wants one last fight I will bring my all to him, I will give him everything that I have and then some. I will go out fighting. If this is what it take then so be it, I won’t care about some doctor’s not that has told me not to wrestle do to my heart condition, I will not care if it cost me my life, cuz in the end it will be worth it, it will be worth it all, to have you… Austin Starr come back to your senses, to come back to reality and if this match will end our beef, if there is even the slightest possibility, even the smallest slightest chance I am willing to risk it all, cuz I want this to all come down to an end old friend, I want our rival to cease after this match and I want a new chapter to start in our lives to come, a new chapter of friendship and prosperity. *The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. Our minds are like programs, awaiting the code that will determine behaviors; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits. If we regularly deposit positive, encouraging, and uplifting thoughts, if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain, if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it tries to creep up into our brains and into our thought process, we will find that there is much to rejoice about.* Do you understand the Sacrifices I’ve Made? Everything that I have done for him, everything that we’ve been through, the easy times, the hard times. From saving you from that one time you were going to committed suicide, to accepting you when no one else would as a friend. You were one of the best things to happen to be besides bearing my son, and besides being with the one that I love, being with my precious Lilly. I will never forget those words that you spoke to me that hurt so much, when you came up to me one day and you privately told me in my ear that the hardest thing to do is to watch the one that you love, is to watch them love somebody else. That Old Warm funny feeling, came back to Kenneth Walker, The old familiar feeling of being friends like in the past And yet you would still just stand there and watch Me Burn with my own pain. Would you have our friendship come down to this come down to where we stand at now. I don’t want to see our us go down the road where our paths will have us go separate ways. All these life experience that I have had with my son, with Lilly, and all the experience that I have had with you old friend will have meant nothing If I fail now, if this last match to end all rival does not conclude our rival, then maybe I will never find my redemption that I always have wanted and always will want one day. This is my last chance, our last chance Austin Starr to settle our indifferences, to settle our squanders, in the ring where we both love to compete, one last time you and me in front of the SCW where we belong. It’s up to you old friend if you take the path for you pursuit of happiness, it’s up to you old friend. The only thing now is to find out and see. Until then old friend, for what may very well be my last match every, until Redemption, I’ll be waiting…..I’ll be waiting after that match with my hand this time extended towards yours asking you this time in front of the SCW crowd instead of a classroom asking you, and asking the crowd… for one good friend. My hand will be extended and I’ll be waiting Austin….. I’ll be waiting…Tag: Austin Starr Words: 7390 (Without Html) Notes: This may very well be my last roleplay
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Post by Austin Starr on Jun 28, 2010 20:45:41 GMT -8
”Revenge is a confession of pain that can only fall upon deaf ears…” Despite the advice of everyone close to me, this had to be done. Facing the aura of invincibility that Callahan had surrounded herself around head on had damn near driven me to the brink of insanity. Running her out of SCW for the second time didn’t bring me the relief I so desperately sought. Finally the solution of absolute certainty dawned upon me; I had to face the threat of my once best friend head on. I had to challenge Kenneth one final time, so this could be finally put to rest. Either I stand over Kenneth’s fallen and defeated body with my hand raised and my head held high, or I fail to conquer my greatest foe and I face the bitter taste of defeat. Kenneth or myself, either way you look at it; there can, and will be only one remaining when all this is said and done. She couldn’t shake the feeling that he was keeping something from her, the two of them had been through everything that life’s perils could throw their way, but the love they shared for each other has caused them to persevere and come out of it stronger. But recently, in the months since he has decided to go against his doctors’ wishes and push himself in harder competition—she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more. Finally she came across it, opening the thick yellow envelope from the physicians’ office; she pulls out the paperwork and as she begins to read it, her face turns pale and her blood turns ice cold. Patients’ Name: Kenneth James Walker Doctor’s Name: Dr. Thomas Jane Gabriel Doctor’s Prognosis: Mr. Walker has been into my office on several occasions talking about heart attack like symptoms. After running several comprehensive tests, I have come to the conclusion that due to the frantic and hellacious lifestyle choices that Mr. Walker has made, it has put considerable amounts of stress and tension on his heart. When I asked Mr. Walker what he did for a living, he explained to me that he was a professional wrestler for an independent company. He further went on to explain the training that he goes through before one of these matches, plus the amount of exertion felt during one of these contests. I immediately told Mr. Walker that he needs to cease and desist immediately, because if he keeps this up, he could cause his heart to give out. After hearing this, Mr. Walker became rather agitated with me and just told me over and over again that he couldn’t quit, that he couldn’t stop until “he helped him come to his senses”. I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to stop him, so I wrote Mr. Walker a prescription for some medication that would help him temporarily. At the rate that Mr. Walker is going however, I fear that it won’t help for long though. Als- LILY!! The woman turns around to see a very angry looking Kenneth Walker standing in the door way of their home in Tacoma, Washington. Kenneth then drops the bags of groceries that he was carrying, walks into the house and snatches the papers out of the woman’s hand. Kenneth Walker: Lily, what are you doing? This was private, why were you snooping around through my personal things? Lily: Why were you keeping this from me Ken? Huh? I begged you to stop wrestling Ken; I can’t afford to lose you again. Please, if you won’t give it up for me, give it up for Michael—he doesn’t deserve to grow up without a father Ken? Please. Kenneth can now see the tears well up in Lily Walker’s eyes as she continues. Lily: Is this because of Austin? Ken why can’t you get it through your head, you’ve tried to reach out to him. You’ve tried to be the bigger person and embrace him as your friend, but all he has done is spit in your face. Why do you continue to put yourself out there? Why do you continue to hope for something that will never be Ken? Is it worth your life? Is it? And now I hear that the two of you are fighting again, why Ken? Why? Kenneth Walker: Lily you don’t understand, I seen something in his eyes when he challenged me to this match. Call me crazy, but for a split second Lily—I seen my lost brother in there. It’s my responsibility; it’s my obligation to guide him Lily. And if that means that we have to go to war one final time for that to happen—then so be it. Lily: What happens if you die out there Ken? I read the notes from your doctor; this next match could be your last. Damn you Ken, how can you be so selfish? What about your family, what about everything we’ve overcome together. Please Ken; I’m begging you to reconsider…. Kenneth Walker: Lily, you are my wife and the mother of our son—but I need you to understand when I say that this needs to happen. I know the risks, I know what could take place my darling, but I assure you that after this is all said and done—win, lose, or draw Lily; I’ll walk away. But I can’t do that until I at least try this one final time. Kenneth tries to walk toward Lily to embrace her, but she puts her hands up to push him away. She then pushes by him and grabs her keys off of a hook near the front door. Kenneth Walker: Lily, where are you going? Lily has one foot out the door, before she stops and looks back at Ken. Lily: Ken this whole mess started because of me, now I’m going to end it before something happens that can’t be undone. Lily then turns around and leaves again; she gets inside of her vehicle and pulls out. She gets onto the city street and out of the corner of her eye she can see and hear Kenneth coming outside calling for her. She puts her shaky hand on the gear changer for a moment, before clinching her eyes, taking a deep breath, then putting the car into drive and accelerating away—leaving a shouting Kenneth in her rear view mirror. Where exactly Lily is going is anybody’s guess? ---- Emptiness is a cold and lonely companion, for years I thought that living a lavished and party filled lifestyle was the solution to fill that void. Liquor, five star meals, and a different woman in my bed every night seemed like a soluble fix, but after a while I noticed that these things seemed to simply remind me even more of just how cold and alone I really was. Even devoting myself to competition seemed to only ebb the bitter pain. I finally tried to face the bitter demons of my past, by trying to get in contact with the daughter I had who I had only recently found out existed—but I was denied. I was called a heartless monster that didn’t deserve to have any contact with the sweet and innocent child. Maybe they were right, maybe there is no forgiveness possible for a man who has done as such horrible things as me. ---- I’ll never forget the day I met those two guys, Ken was so brash, yet charming; Austin had this quiet confidence about him that I found myself undeniably attracted to. He struck me as a guy who could walk into a room, and his sheer presence would command respect and attention. The three of us hit it off right away and became the best of friends. Looking down at the passenger seat of my car I see a picture from the “good old days”. The three of us ditched classes on Friday and took a trip out to the White River amphitheater to see the “Up in Smoke” tour concert. Eminem, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and others; they all were amazing that night. I remember when we took this picture; we talked about how we were the new age three stooges, that nothing could ever come between us. Oh how wrong I was…….---- Is it war that brings out the worst of man? Or is it the worst of man that brings upon war? For weeks now I’d been waging a much personal conflict against that lecherous troll Callihan and everything she claimed to stand for. After I conquered her once again, instead of finally being at peace—I was confronted by the sins of my past. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, to distance myself from it. Kenneth serves as a bitter reminder of the cruel things I’ve done to further myself in today’s world. Now I must conquer this one last adversary, however, the one thing that truly terrifies me to the depths of my very soul is that even after this battle is finished—that I will never be at peace. I fear that peace and serenity is something that will be forever out of my reach; what do I need to do….What do I need to do? KNOCK KNOCK Who could this be? I don’t recall expecting any company today. Going out of my bedroom and downstairs to the front entranceway, I look through the keyhole and the last person I would have ever expected to see is on the other side. Opening the door quickly, I can’t help but take a sense of pride at my unexpected house guest. Austin Starr: Lily Walker, what brings you here? Lily: Aus- Austin Starr: Wait a second Lily, let me guess, did Kenneth send you here to beg me to call the match off? Does Kenneth want us to just live in a naïve façade, pretending like nothing ever happened? You go back there and tell him Lily th- Lily: Stop it Austin! Ken didn’t send me; I came here on my own. We need to talk. May I come in? I find curiosity intriguing me as I step aside and allow Lily to enter my home—when she does I close the door and turn around to look at her. Looking into Lily’s eyes, I am instantly reminded of the first time when I laid eyes upon her. I recall being entranced by the near hypnotic sparkle in her eyes, instantly I could tell that she was a girl who possessed a strong exuberance and youthful passion for the simple, yet finest things in life. Now though, that sparkle seems to be gone—now when I stare into Lily’s once life filled eyes, I see a lifeless dead gaze; like a woman who has had the very reason to enjoy life taken away from her. The look she possesses now is that of a woman nearly twice her age, a woman who has endured a lifetime of torment now forced to live with and settle with the life decisions that she has made for herself. What happened to you Lily? Lily: Austin, this all started because of me and I’ve let this go on for long enough. I know that you challenged Ken to one last match. I know what you two are capable of doing to each other, and I’m here now to appeal to any sense of decency and morality you may have in you. Don’t put me and Michael through the torture of having to watch you two pulverize each other. Austin Starr: Lily, don’t you get it by now. I don’t care about Michael, I don’t care about Ken, and I most certainly don’t care about you. In case you haven’t noticed by now Lily, outside of the little fairy tale bubble that you and Kenneth have surrounded yourselves with—here in the real world, people are hurting, people are struggling; and whether you like to admit it or not, sometimes a man needs to step up and face the things that ne- Lily: Austin, I hear these words you’re saying. I feel the anger that you’re trying to convey, but I take one look in your eyes and I see that it’s all a lie. When I look in your eyes Austin I see a man who is hurting, a man who has nowhere to turn and is lashing out against the world because of it. Austin Starr: Spare me the dime store psycho analysis Lily. It had been so long since I really talked with Lily, that I had forgotten how well and how easily she could read us. I remember many times when we were back in college, Lily could always tell when something was bothering me—no matter how hard I tried to hide it, she always saw right through me. God she was fascinating, no…what am I thinking…what am I saying…I need to get a hold of myself. Lily: Austin I know you tried to get in touch with the child that you and Ariana had together. I know you reached out to her Austin, if you really felt and meant the hateful things you are saying now—then why would you try and find her. How did she know about that? Did the old man and old woman call her? No, she has no right to know about that. How dare she try and intrude on something that was supposed to remain private?Lily: Was that your way of saying you want to be forgiven Austin? Are you trying to make things right for the horrible things you’ve done? You can’t do it alone Aus- Austin Starr: Forgiveness is a myth Lily; second chances are a fairytale created by the weak minded and empty hearted fools of the world who believe in hiding from the bitter pain of reality. Lily walks up to me and puts her hand on my face, at first I want to pull away, but a undeniable feeling of familiarity comes over me and I let her keep it there. Lily: Austin everybody in this world, no matter how bad of a person they may have been, no matter how terrible of things that they did. If they genuinely want to change, they deserve a second chance; even you Austin deserve a chance to be redeem themselves. But answer me this, how can you expect anybody to ever forgive you for the mistakes of your past when you seem to be incapable of forgiving yourself? I close my eyes because I feel the salty sting of tears starting to well up, I try my hardest to will them back down—but I can’t. I open my eyes and feel the tears fall as I stare at Lily. Austin Starr: You don’t understand Lily: No Austin I do, I understand completely—I know what you want and I’m here to let you know that going through with this war with Ken isn’t the way to go about it. This all started because of me Austin and it ends here, Austin I want to tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago….. Austin Starr: What is it…. Lily: Austin, it was supposed to be you…it was always supposed to be you, but Ken was simply the first one to make the move…life doesn’t always give us what we want Austin. I seen the hurt in your eyes that night Austin, but I was too immature at the time to understand how much it hurt you. But now Austin I get it, and from the bottom of my heart I want you know that I apologize for everything that happened. You were a kind hearted, sweet man at one time Austin; and you didn’t deserve what happened. I feel the tears flow more freely now, as I take Lily’s hand off of my face and turn away from her. Why did she have to come to me now? Why did she have to reveal all of this to me now? Everything was going according to plan, but now, now I honestly don’t know. Out of the corner of my eye I see Lily place her hand on my shoulder and I turn around. Lily: Somewhere deep down, underneath all of the hurt, the anger and bitterness—I know the same sweet guy I met in college is still inside you…just waiting to come out. Find him again Austin, if you can’t do it for Ken or me….do it for Ariana Austin…give yourself the chance to achieve the happiness that you’ve been depriving yourself of nearly your entire life. Without saying anything more, I see Lily turn around and let herself out—not before taking something out of her purse and putting in on a table by my front door. Walking up a few seconds later I see what she left. A picture of Lily, Kenneth and me—at a concert which took place at the White River Amphitheater back when the three of us were in college. The happy smiles seen on all three of our faces are undeniable, why did she show me this now? We can never be these three again? How dare she try and give me some kind of false hope, that’s it. This is all part of Ken’s plan to get in my head, to try and psyche me out so he has the edge. I won’t let it happen…I WONT! Now feeling a sense of rage consume me, I look at the picture, then at my aged face in the mirror. I then smash the picture against the glass and as I see the shards fall, I take a look at the giant crack now in the picture between Lily, Ken and me-- and then my eyes close as my mind begins to wander to a conversation I had with Christopher a few days ago at the bar after the final Penance had gone off the air. ---- Christopher: Austin, what has been going on with you lately man. You’ve been bailing on all the parties, the social events, and now despite myself and the accountant advising you otherwise; you went ahead and personally funded this final SCW show taking place on the fourth of July. You’ve always been a tad bit eccentric, but this recent behavior is literally borderline insane. I can’t continue to shield you, if you keep this up. Austin Starr: Christopher I was reading a feature on me the other day in the daily news. Do you know what they tried to call me? They tried to label me as a narcissistic sociopath; these same paparazzi who stalk around like parasites in the lives of those who are more fortunate than they are. These same paparazzi who would whore themselves out just to get that coveted front page story think that they can judge me. Do you know how insulting I find that to be my friend? Do you? Christopher: You’ve been getting negative criticism written about you for as long as I can remember Austin—what was it about this one piece that seems to be eating at you so much? Austin Starr: I guess you could say I’ve been looking at life differently recently—but believe you me when I say that I most certainly have my priorities in check. I know what needs to be done, and just when I need to do it. The final piece of the puzzle I have left to put in place comes on July 4th when I finish this issue with Ken that started so many years ago. Christopher: Did you see some of the things he said? Pretty strong stuff if you ask me… Austin Starr: The many chapters in the story of Austin and Ken are filled with triumph, overcoming adversity, and building bonds of unbreakable brotherhood…and… Christopher: And? Austin Starr: Betrayal…our story contains such a heartbreaking betrayal…surprisingly enough though…I find myself being able to rebound from this betrayal…so much to the point where I am able to overlook being able to assault a man who I once viewed as a best friend and as a brother. Kenneth continues to naively believe in forgiveness and second chances. Kenneth continues to risk his very life each day in some foolish quest to try and get me to once again extend the hand of friendship to him. I’ve told him on multiple occasions that what happened can never be forgiven, that we can never be those same care free kids like we were in college in high school. But he refuses to acknowledge the truth, so I feel that it is my duty…my obligation to ensure that the final chapter in our story is written on July 4th at Redemption. And this story ends with Ken being once again confronted with the thing he’s been dealing with his entire life…defeat and disappointment. Christopher: You know something Austin…I hear the message you’re trying to convey…and honestly…if this were a month ago…I’d be on board. But I hear your voice crack and I see your hands shake as you speak…are you trying to simply tell me what you think I want to hear Austin? Have you gone soft? Has the hard partying, carefree, heartless power monger who I started representing lost his touch? The truth of the matter is, I haven’t been feeling like myself or acting like myself recently…but how dare Christopher question me. Austin Starr: How dare you question what I stand for? Christopher: You see, I’ve been really noticing the change in you recently…so I’ve been keeping a very close eye on you. Tell me Austin…were the old man and woman who you went to see pleasant hosts? You see, before you got there I had a very long talk with the both of them, telling them just what kind of person I know you to be. They told me about little Savanna…and how they vowed to never let a poison like you anywhere near her. I see Christopher chuckle as I feel my blood begin to boil with rage. Christopher: So sad Austin…when you asked me to represent you…I promised to take you to never before seen heights…and for a while we were on the way…with the firing of that celeb-utante Paris Hilton…to your grand return to the Second Chances version of SCW…but then this happened…not only are you pathetic Austin…but you’re on your own for this…you’ve got my number pal…call me when you come to your senses…until then…enjoy the emptiness and abandonment…you’ll be nothing without me… Christopher puts his sunglasses on before pulling a business card out of his pocket and flicking it in my face before standing up and exiting the bar. I look down at my hands and I see them actually shaking as I feel the anger pounding like a thousand symphonies in my head. I reach into my pocket and take out a wad of bills and just throw them onto the table as I stand up. How dare he interfere in my life…Savanna is the only flesh and blood that I have in this world…and he took that away from me. What am I supposed to do? A thousand thoughts flood my mind as I slowly walk towards the exit of the bar…I stop at a full length mirror near the door and walk up to get a closer look at myself. Still convulsing with rage I see and feel the salty sting of tears in my eyes and then without realizing it…I make a fist and begin to punch the mirror with every bit of strength I can muster. I see the thick glass splinter and then finally crack, I feel the warm blood flow free from my hand as I continue to punch and punch until I can’t lift my arm anymore. Once done I look at the shards on the floor and the deep cuts on my hand, I see and hear the bartender threatening to call the police if I don’t leave…I don’t even pay him any attention…I simply pull another wad of bills out of my pocket and throw them on the floor as I push the door of the bar open and make my way out to the darkened street. Looking up at the partially visible moon amidst the cloudy sky, I let out a howl of anger and pain as I feel icy cold rain begin to fall all around me. Thinking to myself that the weather fits the situation at hand, I just decide to begin walking…not really sure of where I would end up…or what would happen to me along the way. ---- Lily Walker knew that she had gotten through to Austin—but at the same time, she also knew that he and Ken were two of the most stubborn guys she had ever known. Lily knew that she would have to further take matters into her own hands. Taking out her cell phone from her pocket, she dials a number and holds the cell phone to her ear. Lily: Ken, go to the top drawer of my nightstand. There’s an address there, I want you to meet me there in thirty minutes. There’s something we need to do, I’ll explain further when you meet me. Lily then hangs up the phone. Lily: I hope this works, I really do. ---- I really am a man now conflicted in this world…the only man who I could have even considered calling a friend recently has stabbed me in the back and ruined what could be the only chance I’ve ever had to have a family. The only woman who I ever loved my entire life who I can never have paid me a visit and apologized to me for the way things turned out in our lives. And then to make matters even more confusing…the first man who I ever looked at as a best friend and a brother once again extended the offer of friendship to me. Just the fact that a man can be as forgiving as Ken despite everything that I did to him out of spite truly baffles me, am I capable of looking past what happened? Do I have it in me to once again open my heart to a lost brother…to start a new chapter in my life? Only time will tell…only time will tell…feeling more confused than ever…I sit down on the sofa in my living room and I lay my head back against the cushion as I feel my mind beginning to wander once again. ---- I had no friends in high school…I was relentlessly mocked and ridiculed by my fellow classmates my entire duration of elementary, middle, and nearly all of high school. Even when Ken reached out to me when I was near the point of suicide…I found myself doubting him…I found myself being skeptical of his sincerity. I mean if you look around at the world…honestly…how many good Samaritans are really out there? Human beings are always so survival oriented that they will only do what they need to do to ensure their self preservation and idealizations—it was truly a mortifying and shameful thing to watch. And because of this I continued to remain in my shell, even when he would again and again reach out to me. Until one night back in high school when I had a dream like experience that would forever change me and open my eyes to the eventful journey of my life.
In this dream, a person said a word, and before a single thought entered my mind, there appeared a plain box. I then understood that I had two choices. They were to take this box and see it as a gift that my brother was offering, or see it as a brick that I must defend against. I was also led to understand that every word or action, regardless of tone or manifestation, is the same, and that there are always and only two choices to deal with as a reaction and response. I understood that one choice united me with my brother, and the other separated us. The box itself was physically small, but I understood that the gift that lay within it was as boundless as it was beautiful. Yet, because of fear and judgment, I misperceived my potential brother's word as an attack, and felt that if I put myself behind this small box, my brother would disappear and I would again be safe. Over and over again, I heard noises I thought were coming from behind this box. My reaction again became fear, and I immediately perceived these noises as an attack against me. Every time I heard a noise, another box appeared, but because of my past experience I chose not to sit for a moment and open the box. Instead, I chose to protect myself by stacking one box on top of another, until I could no longer truly see my potential brother. Slowly, I surrounded myself with these boxes until no light could seep through. For a while I felt protected, but in the darkness I began to feel isolated, alone and afraid. I believed that isolation and fear were my only two choices. Yet, as I sat quietly in the dark, deep within me a voice for unity whispered. And as it did, I decided to move the boxes apart slightly to see if I could hear or see my brother better. Through the cracks, a little light seeped through, warming my face, and it felt so warm and welcoming to me. I grabbed at every ray of light, and as I focused on the light I again heard a voice. I heard the voice, but because of past interactions with it, and without paying attention to what it was saying, I immediately closed the cracks until all I could hear were murmurs. These quiet murmurs kept getting louder, for I could feel him trying to reach me. But again I reacted with fear and felt that I needed to reinforce these boxes to keep the voices out. So with judgment and fear, I began cementing these boxes until they took the form of bricks that together took the form of walls. I felt that these walls would protect me from the noises I was hearing and the actions I was seeing. In darkness, I was isolated and alone, but I felt protected by my walls. Despite this warm and familiar feeling of isolation, I felt and could hear a voice trying to speak to me. Straining my ears I could just barely catch what was being said.
There are places in your life where you have built walls around the truth of who you are. You've built these walls with judgment and cemented them with fear. You strained all your life to build and keep these walls together. These walls that you have built to protect you hold all perceptions, judgments and beliefs about yourself, your brothers and sisters, and all the people in the world. You hide behind and defend these walls with your life; for you believe that if someone were to ever penetrate them, they would recoil in disgust once they saw who was really there. Methodically, on a daily basis, you reinforce these walls, creating emotional, psychological and spiritual barriers. You take secret pride in their structure and strength. Yet with every breeze, you curse the pebbles that bounce off these walls. And you even blame the wind for blowing. You keep telling yourself that you are safe, and yet you fear any breeze that dares caress your walls.
You have been taught to believe that in your walls' changelessness, your strength and safety lies. You are taught to fear change, for it means that your walls would weaken. So you defend these so-called impenetrable walls against anything that challenges their structure. To you, anything and everything that differs from your belief system challenges its structure. You spend your day in defense of pebbles, and curse the wind whenever any of these pebbles are tossed toward your walls. So you end up living your days in defense of these impenetrable walls. The walls that you built to defend you, you end up defending against the outside world, and you judge and curse any attempt to change or weaken them.
You tire of these illusions and try to escape them at night by attempting to sleep. But continuous thoughts of pebbles fill your mind and do not let you. In the darkness, a thousand thoughts flood your mind and so you even fight to fall asleep. Finally once asleep, these pebbles turn into monsters of all shapes and sizes, and you run away from them as they attack your walls. You wake up, afraid of the monsters you have made out of pebbles. You become relieved when you realize it was a dream. Still, you are hesitant to close your eyes and fall back into the dream. You blame the unconscious mind for playing tricks on you. You choose to see the unconscious mind as separate from you and you make yourself believe you have no control over it. You do not realize that it is your conscious belief in illusions that transfers into your unconscious mind - meaning you are the ultimate creator of both your conscious and unconscious thoughts. Finally, you close your eyes and go to bed afraid. In the morning, you awaken as tired as you were when you went to sleep. You receive no rest from your illusions, and wonder why you feel stressed, weak and tired.
My friend, when you awaken, you will understand that the illusions you make out of pebbles in your conscious mind are as unreal as the illusions you allow to become monsters in your unconscious mind. For both the pebbles and the monsters will be seen for what they truly are: illusions and nothing else. Illusions are unreal, thus it is only your recognition of their nothingness that will set you free. You will no longer experience fear once you recognize that all fear, regardless of its manifestation, is based on illusion. Soon you will not need to close your eyes to find rest; soon you will find that true rest comes not from sleeping, but from awakening. As you live your life in defense of these walls, what you hoped would not happen, happens. Everyone learns who you are by what you defend. You show who you are by what you treasure, and you will defend what you treasure. For you live your life outside yourself, in defense of what you built to conceal and defend you. And by defending what you built, all those outside see what you believe yourself to be. You who have made these walls what they are, you who have made these walls out of nothing, have spent your life in defense of that nothingness and wonder why you feel incomplete and unfulfilled.
You have been taught that to defend these walls, that to defend yourself is right and honorable. Yet it is actually not the defending that you fear, but the idea that there is nothing to defend. For if there is nothing worth defending, then you are, by the ego's definition, worthless. My friend, you are not worthless, and within you, you know this to be true. You need not defend, not because there is nothing worth defending, but because there is truly nothing to defend against. Ask yourself, "Would a right-minded person spend his existence defending his walls against pebbles? Would a right-minded person see a pebble and make it into a monster?" There will always be pebbles on this beach. It is up to you to decide if you will make them into monsters, or realize that they are but pebbles. Whenever you feel stressed, tired, alone, incomplete or afraid, it is because you have made pebbles into different-shaped monsters that you believe can attack, and that you must defend against.
My friend, it is not the idea that others will look within you and recoil that frightens you, but that others will look within you and see that kindness and love. Again, the idea of worth appears. You do not feel that someone who can experience stress, tiredness, loneliness, fear, unhappiness or incompleteness could be viewed as a kindred spirit. All of these feelings are thoughts you have made real by your belief in them. These illusions have been shaped by a sense of judgment, fear and separation. The only decision you need to make to feel their opposite is to choose their opposite. A sense of connection and love is their opposite. Every moment you have this choice. One decision will offer you peace, the other decision will not. In the end, this is the choice that is yours to make. The life you create comes from the choices you make, the choices you make come from who you believe yourself to be. Who you believe yourself to be comes from either the perception you have made real, or the knowledge you have accepted. ---- Lifting my head up off of the couch, I stand up and sigh heavily as I look around. Suddenly feeling an insatiable urge to get out of my house I grab my car keys off of the shelf and walk outside. After getting inside of my car I drive away to the last place that I ever in the world I would have expected to go. Zipping through the Tacoma streets, I eventually arrive at the Mountain View Cemetary and Funeral Home about twenty-five minutes later. After pulling into a parking space near the main offices, I get out of my Infiniti G37 and activate the car alarm. Taking only a few moments to walk I eventually get to an oversized marble headstone emblazoned with her name…”Ariana Walker…Taken Before Her Time…Gone And Will Be Missed…But Never Forgotten” 1980-1999 Along with her beautifully decorated headstone, I see the picture of her…forever showing her as the proud angel that she was…before she met me. What nobody knows is just exactly how hard the death of Ariana hit me…what nobody knows is that I left a very sizeable donation to the Walker family just for the sole purpose of giving this maiden the memorial that she deserved. For years I’ve been trying to build up the courage to return to this site, to pay my final respects to the beautiful young woman who gave herself to me…only for me to reject her due to my own fear and ignorance. But I’ve been a coward…I’ve never had the courage to do this…that is until now…Ariana Walker…if you’re listening to me up in heaven right now I want you to know that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about you and what the two of us could have had together. A day doesn’t go by Ariana that I don’t continuously wish I could go back and opened the door to you that night…opened the door into my house and into my heart. If you can hear me Ariana, I can only hope that you can forgive me for the sins of my past and watch over me and the beautiful little angel that we made together as I step into battle one final time against a man who minus well be my own flesh and blood. The two of us have been the best of friends and now the worst of enemies. I want to let everything go Ariana, I want to open my heart to the forgiveness and redemption I so desperately seek…but I honestly don’t know if I can…I was so bitter, so hateful and angry for so long Ariana that I just simply don’t know. Please Ariana, I know I don’t have any right to ask you for anything—but please give me the strength and the moral compass that I need to find my true self. Help me Ariana…help me finally put this behind me once and for all so I can perhaps get another opportunity to be united with our little heavenly princess Savanna. Looking up at the sky, I don’t even bother to try and hold back the tears that are now flowing from my eyes. Coming here took me so much longer then I wanted it too, but now that I did…things just seem so much clearer to me now…coming here and finally speaking these last words and paying these final respects to the woman who gave birth to my child now has made the picture crystal clear. I have to go to Redemption, I have to stare him straight in the eye and I have to confront this. No matter what Lily says, no matter what Christopher says, this can not be avoided for any longer. Only after the two of us come at each other with everything we have can some absolute certainty be had. Whether this war turns out to see my hand be raised, or my head hanging low in defeat as his name is announced over the loudspeakers—either way…when all is said and done…the two of us will never be the same again…when all is said and done…the hated rivals will be no longer…instead a new chapter in the story will finally be written…and in this new chapter…friendship and brotherhood could finally happen. It honestly could go either way…the question that I really hope he is asking himself is this…Are you aware of the risk my old friend? Are you ready to see what will finally happen when this is settled? Are you……..---- Notes: This could be my final roleplay ever, work and school finally seems to be building up to me to the point where I need to give myself an exit. My time here in SCW has been absolutely amazing, and I couldn’t ask for a better final opponent then Ken (AK would have been great too…but alas he retired). Good luck Ken…and good luck to all of the other guys showing up for this last ride…let’s make this count you guys…let’s bust our asses and give SCW the send off it deserves… Final Word Count: 7121 (it was 7375…but I did some final revisions tonight…thoughts and comments are welcomed) |
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